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vista’s programmers are lucky to be living in america

Vista’s Programmers Are Lucky To Be Living In America

I’m still testing Microsoft’s new computer operating system, Windows 7, but anybody who’s used Vista, the company’s clunky and crash-prone software, probably agrees that its programmers should be fired. Or shot.

In America’s current corporate culture, however, these keyboard terrorists probably signed employment contracts guaranteeing them promotions, pay raises and fat bonus checks—not unlike the insurance and banking executives who only seemed to get richer over the last 16 months as America slid into the worst recession since the 1930s.
Which got me wondering: What if Microsoft was headquartered in another country? How would the creators of Vista be treated there? Here’s my best guess:

China: The programmers would be arrested, tried and run over by tanks in Tiananmen Square—despite fervent protests from Amnesty International and former President Bill Clinton, who are liberal, artsy-fartsy types who use Apple computers and don’t understand the severity of the Vista problem.

Japan: The programmers would quickly realize their mistake and choose to die with honor by disemboweling themselves using razor-sharp swords in an ancient Samurai ritual known as Seppuku, or hara-kiri. Seppuku is appropriate in this case because it’s part of a code instituted to prevent captured Samurai from falling into the hands of their enemies, as a form of capital punishment and to give dishonored soldiers an honorable way to avoid public shame.

Russia: Police would remove the programmers from their homes under cover of darkness and transport them to the former headquarters of the KGB in Moscow’s Lubyanka Square for questioning. Within a few weeks, Soviet officials would release a statement informing the public that the programmers had contracted serious colds and died from complications of pneumonia despite doctors’ noble efforts to save them. Then they’d be buried in elaborate mausoleums following an extravagant, nationally televised state ceremony. Anybody else associated with the software, such as the sales reps and marketing staff, would happily agree to quit their white-collar jobs and transfer to the Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Memorial Oil Fields in western Siberia to “work as manual laborers for the continued glory and prosperity of the Motherland.”

Iran: After his computer locked up and had to be rebooted for the 300^th time while researching The Great Satan, the Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei would declare the lead programmers infidels and impose a rare fatwa, or death sentence, on their heads. The American and British governments would help the programmers escape into hiding, setting off years of terrorist bombings worldwide. But there would be some justice: All other Iranians involved with the software would get their eyes gouged out and hands cut off.

Germany: Initially, the programmers would be severely spanked and urinated on at the Medieval Torture Museum in Rüdesheim on the Rhine River. But later, during OktoberFest, everything would be forgiven over brats and beers served by busty fräuleins and hunky studs wearing lederhosen.

England: The programmers would be forced into early retirement on the coastline in rural Devonshire, where they’d quietly finish out their days by strolling the Heathland at Woodbury Common with their dogs, reading the daily newspaper in a local café every morning and drinking hot tea. To appease the angry public, however, Prime Minister Gordan Brown would issue the following statement: “We are all deeply, deeply disappointed that Her Majesty’s programmers underperformed their duties when it came to creating Windows Vista, which is a regrettably poor operating system. It’s simply not cricket, and we trust the British people will be cheered indeed to hear that we are endeavoring to correct this unfortunate setback as expediently as possible. In meantime, we hope you will maintain a stiff upper lip, and God Save the Queen.”

France: To prevent riots in Paris, pint-sized President Nicolas Sarkozy would briefly stop fawning over his smoking-hot wife, former model Carla Bruni, to make a public statement. Standing on an overturned orange crate near the Arc de Triomphe, he would deliver a stern speech blasting Microsoft’s offices as “an antechamber of the morgue.” Then he would underscore his commitment to revive the nation’s work ethic and revitalize the French economy by slashing the programmers’ annual vacation benefits from 12 weeks to six weeks and forcing them to eat American Wonder bread and processed cheese for one full year.

Norway: The Norwegians wouldn’t give a damn. Why? Because the average Norwegian only works about six months a year, and yet is a millionaire who enjoys the highest standard of living in the world. As a result, the Norwegians are basically unflappable, happy people who frolic about in their fjords eating smoked salmon and drinking akevitt and don’t really give a shit about computer operating systems. They view the rest of the world as pathetic losers, and their motto says it all: “We’re Vikings—Don’t Even Think About Fucking With Us.”

Italy: A passionate argument would break out between the programmers and the public. Shouting would quickly degenerate into the throwing of rotten tomatoes, but once the threat of actual physical violence became real, Pope Benedict XVI would issue an order for peace. Then everybody would cork a bottle or two of red, sit down to enjoy some pasta Bolognese while listening to classic Enrico Caruso records, and end the day laughing and hugging. The programmer’s only lasting punishment: They’d be forced to continue driving the Fiat 500, which is slightly bigger than a breadbox and has been described as looking like “an angry bowling ball.”

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