funny

1. Sex on TV can’t hurt unless you fall off.
2. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
3. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plough into a parked car.
4. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
5. Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
6. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
7. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
10. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
11. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.
12. The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
15. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
16. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
17. We are all time travellers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
18. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
19. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
20. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
21. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
22. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
23. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
24. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
25. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
26. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.